Kiwanis Club of Paris

A famous football coach and his wife were talking...
WIFE:  You love football more than me.
FOOTBALL COACH:  You're right, wife, but I love you more than baseball and basketball.

"Individual commitment to a group effort--that is what makes a team work, a company work, a society work, a civilization work."   Vince Lombardi

Therefore encourage  one another and strengthen one another, just as you are doing.k  1 Thessalonians 5:11

Rain has cancelled the horse races for today!  Today's races will be at 1:00 PM tomorrow.  Then after a short intermission, they will have the Wednesday races.   Many thanks to those who signed up to sell programs today.  Also, many thanks to those of you who signed up for Wednesday.  You are still expected to be at the Fairgrounds at noon.  Meet in front of the grandstand offices.

Dianna  thanks all those who volunteered to collect school supplies for area children last Saturday at Walmart.   Donations of supplies or cash would still be very welcome.

In the middle of a trial, the judge asks the defendant:
"You didnt bring your attorney today?"
"No, your honor.  I've decided to tell the truth."

"And then for the first time in history, a Cook County state's attorney was reelected for a third time."  Richard M. Daley

"On good ground are they who, with  an honest and good heart, having heard the word, keep it and bring forth fruit with patience.  Luke 8:15.

Kiwanis is Calling!   Sign-up sheets are circulating.

Our Youth Services Commitee needs your help.  Sign up today to help with our "backpack and school supplies" project.   There are Paris area children who need your help.  We are collecting school supplies at Walmart this Saturday.

You can help raise money for Kiwanis programs by   1)  helping to assemble the Racing Programs this Friday and/or
2)  Selling the programs at the County Fair next week.

Top Perks of Winning the Indianapolis 500:

1.  Honorary New York City  taxi license.
2.  Offers of employment from Dominos Pizza.
3.  Trophy, bouquet of roses, and a big, wet kiss from Jim Nabors.
4.  All the Valvoline a guy can drink.

"I'm very happy with the result, and the reasons we got it were that our pit stops rocked and we had a perfect strategy."
Danica Patrick   No. 7 Team

"There are only two ways to live...one is as though nothing is a miracle...the other is as if everything is."   Albert Einstein

The first two objects of Kiwanis International:

TO GIVE primacy to the human and spiritual, rather than to the material values of life.

TO ENCOURAGE the daily living of the Golden Rule in all human relationships.

Q:  What did the horse say when he fell?
A:  I've fallen and I can't giddy up!

"Be careful about reading health books.  You may die of a misprint."  Mark Twain

"The name of the LORD is a strong tower;  the righteous run to it and are safe."   Proverbs 18:10

Thanks to Linda for presiding over today's meeting while Dennis is out of town.

We will soon be preparing our new committees for the coming fiscal year.  If you have a specific committee which you would like to be a member of, please let Barb know of your preference. 

Please check your information on the back of the program to see if anything needs to be updated.

Tony and LUke, two brothers, were sitting at the attorney's office in the waiting room, preparing for the reading of their father's will.
The two began yet another sesison of arguing over which of them was the favorite son.
Then they were called into the conference room.  After a few preliminaries, the important bit came:  who would inhereit the far, Tony or Luke?
The attorney took a deep breath, looked at the eldest brother, Tony and said, "well, Tony, the farm is yours."
Tony turned to his brother, Luke, and complained, "See, I told you , Luke, you WERE the favorite!"

"Let us not forget that the cultivation of the earth is the most important labor of man.  When tillage begins, other arts will follow.  The farmers, therfore, are the founders of civilization.

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me."  Psalm 51:10

Thank you, Barb, for coordinating the racing programs advertising sales campaign.  If anyone has an outstanding ad, please see that Barb gets it TODAY.

Kiwanis International Convention begins Thursday in Las Vegas.  It will be all meetings, work and no play.  Attending are Lt Governor, Linda Lane, and club delegates, Dennis Thiel and Barbara Bergdolt.

You know you are a redneck if:
1.  You have never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
2.  You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
3.  Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
4.  You have driven off the road while examining your neighbor's crops.

"I won all the blue ribbons for canning at the state fair."  Loretta Lynn

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.   Philippians 4:6

Fair program ads are due this Friday.  Please get all your ads delivered to Barb ASAP.

Focus on Membership:
Membership in Kiwanis brings many privileges:  a chance to serve children and our community; a way to meet other businesspersons and professionals;  a wide range of informational programs.   

Remember to wear your "K" !

Board Members:
Joe Bell
Dianna Bennett
John Carrington
Blaze Lewis
Bruce Young
Don McGee
Dene Rigdon
Tammie Pride
Jill Higginbotham
Linda Lane
Dennis Thiel

Q:  What is the quietest place in the world?
A:  A blowling alley because you can hear a pin drop.

Word of advice:
When talking about your bowling game, don't speak gutturally.

Bowling is a sport where  if you shoot a good score, you can't figure out why; and , if you shoot a bad score, you can't figure out why."     Clyde Higa

Judge not, and you will not be judged:  condemn not, and you will not be condemned, forgive, and you will be forgiven.  Luke  6:37

Support Kiwanis--purchase your Honeybee License Plates.

Thanks to Tom Brock for doing publicity for the month of June.

There is a board meeting Friday at Tuscany's.

All fair racing ads should be returned by June 18.

                           PRISON OR WORK?
In Prison:  You get time off for good behavior
At Work:    THe reward for good behavior meaks more work.

In Prison:  You get three meals a day.
At Work:    You get a break for 1 meal and you pay for it.

In Prison:   There may by wardens who are sadistic.
At work:     They are called supervisors.

"Jails and prisons are the complement of schools;  so many less as you have of the latter, so many more must you have of the former."    Horace Mann

Be content with what you have, for God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you."  Hebrews 13:5

A big THANK YOU to club members who are selling advertisements for the Racing programs. 

Our membership drive continues into June.  Remember to invite someone to Kiwanis and WEAR YOUR "K" !!

Have you checked our website lately?

I bet on a great horse yesterday!  It took seven horses to beat him.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

A young boy told his mother that his father had taken him to the zoo.   The mother couln't believe it. 
She said, "Your father has never taken anyone to the zoo in his whole life." 
The boy said, "He did, and one of the animals paid fifty dollars!"

"Don't forget, Lady Godiva put everything she had on a horse."  from the movie: Tillie and Gus (1933...W.C.Fields)

Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.  THis is the first and great commandment.   And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love they neighbor as thyself.  On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.  Matthew 22:37-40

Today is the kick-off for a major fund raiser--Fair Racing Programs.  Please show your support for the work our club does with area youth.   Thank you for helping sell advertisements.  And please get your ads back in quickly!

May is Memgership Month---Remember to "Wear Your 'K'!"

The Top Five Indianapolis 500 Driver Pet Peeves:
5.  Radio loses FM signal in fouth turn.
4.  Having to take a leak with 100 laps left.
3.  Forgetting to remove "the Club" before the race starts.
2.  When wife says you lack viscosity.
1.  Potholes

"Indy makes the race driver.  You become famous when you come here."   Rodger Ward

And Jesus said unto them, "if ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed....nothing shall be impossible to you."   Romans 1:17

May is Membership Month----Remember to Wear your " K ".

We are pleased to have Morgan Willoughby join us for lunch today.  Welcome to Kiwanis!

Q  What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?  
A   You can tune a "57 Chevy.

Q   How many flutists does it take to screw inn a lightbulb?
A    Just one--she simply holds it up and the world revolves     around her.

Q.  What did little Johnny's mother tell him when he said "I want to be a trumpet player when I grow up?"
A.   "But Johnny, you can't do both."

Q.  What do you call a person that hangs around with musicians?
A.   A drummer

"Jazz will endure as long as people hear it through their feet instead of their brains."   John Phillip Sousa

"Make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all the earth: make a loud noise, and rejoice, and sing praise....With the harp....with trumpets, and sound of cornet make a joyful noise before the Lord, the King.     Psalm 98 4-6 abbr.

It's "3M"---May Membership Month--WEAR YOUR "K!"

Welcome to Kiwanis--we are glad to have you join us today!

Congratulations to John Sanchez, our Kiwanian of the Year!

A child comes home fro his first day at school.  His Mother asks, "well, what did you learn today?"    The kid replies, "not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."

"The school is the last expenditure upon which America should be willing to economize."  Franklin D. Roosevelt

Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.   Proverbs 13:10

May is Kiwanis Membership month.  Remember to wear your "K" and bring a guest to our club meetings.

Welcome to our newest members:  Brian Blair, and Devon Mason.  We are happy to have you join our club.

The Kiwanis Club of Paris wishes a Happy Birthday to our Lt. Governor today!

Next week there will be a "roundtable" meeting at noon.
Times for the Anniversary Banquet:
5:30  Social Hour
6:00  Entertainment and Business meeting
6:30  Dinner

"It would be nice if we could all pay our taxes with a smile, but normally, cash is required."

"The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State Building after taxes."

"Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established.  The authorities that exist have been estabilshed by God.  Romans 13:1

Join us at our 74th Anniversary Banquet:  May 4, 2010.
5:30 Social Hour
6:00 Meeting and Entertainment
6:30 Meal

Don't forget to:
WEAR YOUR "K" DURING MAY!  IT's MEMBERSHIP MONTH.

Four members traveled to Mattoon last night for the Division meeting.

And there is an interclub visiting the Robinson club at noon today.

Old Fractured Chinese Proverbs:
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with one chop stick go hungry.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

"Learning to Do, Doing to Learn, Earning to Live, Living to Serve."    Nationa FFA Organization Motto.

"Now abide, Faith, Hope, and Love, these three, but the greatest of these is Love."   I Corinthians 13:13

Welcome to our interclub from Mattoon--thanks for coming!

Don't forget to sign up for the Anniversary Celebration on   May 4.   We will award 5 scholarships and present  the prestigious Kiwanian of the Year Award.

As a new school principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day.

Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers were bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.  The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly  less elablorate than that at Fort Knox.

Cautiously, he asked the school's long time custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and  to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"

The custodian looked at him gravely..."We trust them with the children, don't we?"

"Tell me and I'll forget.  Show me, and I may not remember.  Involve me, and I'll understand."    Native American saying

"God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:19

We have a board meeting planned for Friday, April 9 at Joe's Pizza.  All board members are asked to attend. 

What do you get when you play country music backwards?  
You get back your wife, your dog, and your truck.

"Some people give time, some money, some their skills and connections, some literally give their life's blood.  But everyone has something to give."    Barbara Bush

"Every charitable act is a stepping stone towards heaven."   Henry Ward Beecher, American Congregational preacher (1813-1887)

Please plan to join us on May 4 for our Anniversary Banquet.  In addition to  awarding 5 scholarships totalling $6,500, we are  celebrating 74 years as Paris's premier service club.

The Chicago Cubs are at least trying.  They installed a new pitching machine.  Unfortunately, it beat them 5-1.

Q:  What is the diference between Yankee fans and dentists?
A:  One roots for the yanks, and the other yanks for the roots.

Q:  Waht is the differnece between baseball and law?
A:  In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.

Q:  Who's the most famous Los Angeles Dodger?
A:  O.J. Simpson
 

Baseball is the only field of endeavor where a man can succeed three times out of ten and be considered a good performer.    Ted Williams

Baseball is the only sport I know that when you're on offense, the other team controls the ball.  Ken Harrelson, Sports Illustrated.

That's the tru harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball.  Bill Veeck

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;  but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:20-31.

Mark your calendars for Anniversay Night Banquet May 4.

Please give Dennis your email address or phone number changes.

Golf balls are like eggs.  They're white.  They're sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.

Golf is a game in which you yell "fore"....shoot six...and write down five.     Paul Harvey

God has given all of us a spirit of power, love, discipline and self-control.    2:Timothy 1-7

At the last Kiwanis board meeting, the board voted to :
Help a Mayo middle school student with the purchase of eyeglasses, donate $250 to Partners in Education which provides art classes to Mayo Middle School, and $50 to Relay for Life.

The House Committe is currently conducting a survey for members in regard to our meals and location.  The survey has been emailed to members for which we have email addresses on record. If you did not get a survey, please contact Dale Boyer.

Stock Market Humor--New Stock Market Terms
CEO--Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO--Corporate Fraud Officer
Broker--what my broker has made me.
Standard & Poor--Your life in a nutshell.
Stock Analyst--Idiot who just downgraded your stock
Market Correction--The day after you buy stocks
Cash Flow--the movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
Bull Market--A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
Bear Market--A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

"I never attempt to make money on the Stock Market.  I buy on the assumption that they could close the market the next day and not reopen it for five years."   Warren Buffet

Dishonest money dwindles away, but he who gathers money little by little makes it grow.   Proverbs 13:11

Kiwanis Board Meeting:  Friday Noon at Joe's Pizza
Kiwanis Anniversay Night: May 4

The local news station was interviewing an 80 year old lady, because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.  The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80 and then about her new husband's occupation.   "He's a funeral director," she answered.  "Interesting," the newsman thought.  He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling hime a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.  She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.  After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, and a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.  Astonished, the interviewer looked at her and asked, "why did you marry four men with such diverse careers?"  She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

"One of the nice things about the Senior Tour is that we can take a cart and a cooler.  If your game is not going well, you can always have a picnic."      Lee Trevino

"Guard well your spare moments.  They are like uncut diamonds.  Discard them and their value will never be known.  Improve them and they will become the brightest gems in a useful life."  Ralph waldo Emerson

Plan now to attend our Anniversary Banquet on May 6.  We will award 5 scholarships again this year, as well as announce the Kiwanian of the Year.

If you have updates to your address, telephone numbers or email addresses, please let Dennis know.

Shortly after joing the Army, I was in line with some other inductees when the sergeant stepped forward with that day's assignments.  He handed several tasks out and then asked, "Does anyone here have experience with radio communications?"
As a long time ham radio operator, I shouted,  "I do!"
"Good," he said.  "You can dig the hole for the new telephone pole."

"We are the United States Marines, and for two and a quarter centuries we have defined the standards of courage, esprit, and military prowess."  General James L. Jones, USMC

"The deadliest weapon in the world is a MARINE and his rifle!"
General Pershing, USA

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding;  In all your ways acknowledge Him, and he shall direct your paths."
Proverbs 3:5

PONDER THESE:
1.  I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2.  The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
3.  When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.  If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
4.  How is it one careless match can start a forest fire,  but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

"It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it's the parts that I do understand."  Mark Twain

And Jesus went forth, and saw a great multitude, and was moved with compassion toward them, and he healed their sick.   Matthewe 14:14

The Salvation Army has reported that our club members raised $ 731.74 on the Saturday that we rang the bell.
--------------------------------------------------------------
The Board of Directors voted to give $200 to the Paris High School Drama Parents.
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Many thanks go to Barbara Bergdolt for her artful creation of the Kiwanis advertisement that ran in Monday's Beacon News.

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.  Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.  He asked if they were willing to try it out.  They were both very much in favor of it.  The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.  But as labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.  The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.  The husband was still feeling fine.  The doctor checked the husband's blood proessure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing.  At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.  The husband continued to feel quite well.  Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.  The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.   She and her husband were ecstatic.  When they got home, they found the mailman dead on their porch.

There is a reason why men experience pain more acutely than women.  That's because there's always part of a woman's brain thinking about shoes.    Ardal  O'Hanion

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes;  and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain.  Revelation

There is a board meeting Friday, noon, at Tuscany's.

The Paris Kiwanis Honeybee Committee is in need of help on their committee.  If you are interested, contact Brian Blair.

Herr Kallenbrecher:  "The patron of a fine restaurant calls the
waiter and complains:  This duck is only skin and bones!"
Herr Kunz:  "And what does the waiter say?"
Herr Kallenbrecher:   "The waiter retorts, 'No Problem, I can
also bring you feathers!'"

Well, the biggest Norwegian newspaper regarded this as an
arrest, since they hadn't told us that they were coming and
they brought me in.  So the biggest Norwegian newspaper
looked upon that as an arrest.   Jon  Johansen

Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish.  
Einstein

This is Illinois Primary Election Day.  Remember to exercise your right to vote!

Sighted wearing a Kiwanis button:  Donna McGee

Last week four members visited Mattoon Kiwanis Club.

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "senior special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.  "Sounds good," my wife said.  "but I don't want the eggs."  "Then, I'll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.  "You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?"  my wife asked incredulously.  "YES!!" stated the waitress.  "I'll take the special then," my wife said.  "How do you want your eggs?" the waitress asked.  "Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.  She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

AFGHANI TV GUIDE
8:00     "Husseinfeld"
8:30     "Allah McBeal"
9:00     "Wheel of Terror and Fortune"
9:30     "The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
10:00    "Afganistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:30    "Buffy The Infidel Slayer"
11:00    "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
11:30     "Matima Loves Chachi"
Midnight  "Veilwatch"

"Criticizing TV is second only to watching TV as an American pastime."    Robert M. Batcha

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.  Romans 12:2

If you have any requests for meals, please let me know.    Jeanine McDaniel

Please check our website for upcoming programs.

Question:  What's the difference between a camera and a sock?

Answer:  A camera takes photos and a sock takes five toes.

"Sometimes I do get to places just when God is ready to have somebody click the shutter."   Ansel Adams

Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others;  faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms.     1 Peter 4:10

Please check the calendar on the back of this bulletin to see which date you are responsible for the speaker and program.

For upcoming meals and programs, go to www.pariskiwanis.org.

"If there are any meal requests, please let me know, and I will try to take care of them"    Jenneane McDaniel

A chicken walks into the library.  It goes up to the circulation desk and says: "book, bok, bok, boooook".  The librarian hands the chicken a book.  It tucks it under his wing and runs out. A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the first book into the return bin and goes back to the librarian saying:  "book, bok, bok, bok, boook".  Again the librarian gives it a book, and the chicken runs out.  The librarian shakes her head.  Within a few minutes, the chicken is back, returns the book and starts all over again: "boook, book, bok, bok, boook".  The librarina gives him yet a third book, but this time as the chicken is running out the door, she follows it.  The chicken runs down the street, through the park and down to the riverbank.  There, sitting on a lily pad is a big, green frog.  The chicken holds up the book and shows it to the frog, saying:  "book, bok, bok, boook".  The frog blinks, and croaks:  "read-it, read-it, read-it."

It is impossible to enter a large library....without feeling an inward sensation of reverence, and without catching some sparks of noble emulation, from the mass of mind which is scattered around you.    ...  James Crossley

This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.   Psalm 118:24

Many thanks to Barb Bergdolt for her excellent work as Publicity Chairperson over the past four years.   Our new publicity Chariperson is Donna McGee.  Please give her your support.

If you have ideas on how we can improve our luncheon set-up at the VFW, please chat with Dennis Thiel or Dale Boyar.  Your suggestions are very helpful and welcome.

A man had been lost and walking in Guatemala for about 2 weeks.  One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.  The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health.  Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town.  On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse.  He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"  The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse.  You have to say "Thank God" to make it go and "Amen" to make it stop."  Not paying much attention, the man says, "sure, ok."  so he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking.  Then he says, "Thank God, thank God" and the horse starts trotting.  Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off.  Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop.  "Whoa, stop, Hold on!!!"  Finally he remembers, "Amen!"    The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff.  Then the man leans back in the sadlle and says, "Thank God."

Some wish to live within the sound of a chapel bell;  I wish to run a rescue mission within a yard of hell.   C.T. Studd

And be ye kind one to another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.  Ephesians  4:32

Reminder:  Beginning next Tuesday, our weekly meetings will be held at the VFW on West Court Street. 

Round Table, no actual meeting due headstart project.  Headstart party at 11:30, Santa at Creative Center at 9:30 and 12:30.
Meetings start @ VFW on January 5th, 2010.

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors." The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics." No go.
Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down again.
Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.
Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." Unacceptable again!
So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a chance. "Nuts and Butts?" No way. "Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go. "Loons and Moons?" Forget it.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."
Everyone loved it.

Setting an example is not the main means of influencing another; it is the only means.- Albert Einstein

Today's Verse
But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, "Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit."
— Matthew 1:20 (NIV)

Bell Ringers and Holiday in the Park Duty coming up.  Don't forget.

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low
as the only wish left will be the bone.

Keep in mind that the true measure of an individual is how he treats a person who can do him absolutely no good. - Ann Landers

If the LORD delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the LORD upholds him with his hand.
— Psalm 37:23-24 (NIV)

The board of directors has approved a move to the VFW meeting room for all lunch meetings.  As of January fifth (First meeting of 2010), we will no longer meet at Cafe France and will conduct regular meetings at the VFW.
Don't forget if you have signed up for bell-ringing or holiday in the park.

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm. He stopped and asked the boy,
"Where did you get that turkey?"
The boy replied, "What turkey?"
The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."
The boy look down and said, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"
The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?
The little boy said, "I guess I'll kiss his ass and let him go."

Maybe one of these days I'll be able to give myself a gold star for being ordinary, and maybe one of these days I'll give myself a gold star for being extraordinary—for persisting. And maybe one day I won't need to have a star at all. - Sue Bender

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
— Matthew 11:28-30 (NIV)

WHAT.

Q. What did the mama cow say to the baby cow?
A. It's pasture bed time (past your)

To be uncertain is uncomfortable, but to be certain is ridiculous. - Chinese proverb

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.
— Ephesians 6:10 (NIV)

Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma. After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins -- a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor answers.
The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name! I guess I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise."
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew."

Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.
"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.
"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.
"So? Are you afraid?"
"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.
Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"
To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"

"Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now." -Steven Wright

And anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.— Matthew 10:38-39 (NIV)

Honeybee Festival is looking for a few more recruits to help plan parts of the festival.  We start meeting this Wednesday, so if your interested, come to Tuscany at noon.  Remember, if it weren't for the committee, the festival wouldn't happen!
Pancake Days are over and we have an new incoming Presidente' and a new Lt. Govenor.
Sign-up for the "Autumn Fest" on the 13th at Malfunction Junction.  This is the time of year when we really get to hang out and enjoy the work of the last year.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

All understanding begins in wonder. - Goethe

— Psalm 141:3 —
Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord;
keep watch over the door of my lips.

Pancake days are here.  We NEED your help to make this one as successful as the last.  Sign-up sheets are out, please sign-up early and often.

Notice the sign-up for "Autumn Fest" - The old "steak fry" this is our fun event of the year!

Thank you for a great year Linda, we all know how hard you work to keep our club going.

Q: Did you hear the joke about the football game with the 0-0 score?

A: Never mind it's pointless.

It takes faith to believe, and it takes courage not to, and who is to say which is the deeper and more truthful.  – Herbert Weisinger

And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you.
— Romans 8:11 (NIV)

Q. Why did the belt go to jail?
A. Because he held up a pair of pants!

The follower of this path has one thought, and this is the End of his determination. But many-branched and endless are the thoughts of the man who lacks determination. - The Bhagavad Gita

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. — Matthew 6:33 (NIV)

What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on ahead, I’ll just hang around

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.
— Romans 6:23

Get race programs in, it funds our youth in Paris and is well worth the 15 minutes it takes to checkup on an advertiser.

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules, "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

Patriotism is not short, frenzied outbursts of emotion, but the tranquil and steady dedication of a lifetime. - Adlai Stevenson

Get race-program monies back to Dennis ASAP.

Why is nothing here... Because NOBODY is getting me program information.  It's as easy as an e-mail.  Programs@pariskiwanis.org 

Excluding the few below.  Thank you to them.

Please get some program and program information to me, this make the lunch more enjoyable.

No Announcements or Notes given either.  Board Meeting Thursday @ noon @ Tuscany.

Election time is that period when politicians get free speech mixed up with cheap talk. - J. B. Kidd

Many people would sooner die than think; In fact, they do so.

"And he made the porch of the throne where he was to judge, even the porch of judgment: and it was covered with cedar from floor to floor." - 1 Kings 7:7

I want to thank Pete for getting me this information quickly at 5pm last night... Thanks Pete!

What did the 150 kilowatt Southwest Wind Power wind turbine say to the 15 kilowatt wind turbine?
- Trick question: Southwest Wind Power wind turbines don't talk. They whisper.

What did the California wind farm say when it met Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger?
- We're big fans of yours!

Great work to Augie on a nice evening last Tuesday.  Thank you for all your hard work!

A little boy returned from the grocery store with his mom. While his mom put away the groceries, the little boy opened his box of animal crackers and spread them all over the kitchen table.
"What are you doing?" asked his mom.
"The box says you shouldn't eat them if the seal is broken," said the little boy. "I'm looking for the seal."

Education does not mean teaching people to know what they don't know; it means teaching them to behave as they do not behave. - John Ruskin

Will you not revive us again, that your people may rejoice in you?
— Psalm 85:6 (NIV)

Don't forget that we have an upcoming Anniversary Dinner, sign up, see you there.
Please be sure to inform "programs@pariskiwanis.org" of any upcoming programs, and don't be a TBA, like today!

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I juggle them in my act."
"Oh, yeah? says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it. "The juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch.
"Wow, "says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!

The house we hope to build is not for my generation but for yours. It is your future that matters. And I hope that when you are my age, you will be able to say as I have been able to say: We lived in freedom. We lived lives that were a statement, not an apology.  ~ Ronald Reagan (1911-2004)

But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
— 1 Corinthians 15:57 (NIV)

Congrats go out to Don McGee and his committee for creating a great evening of entertainment!

Tickets Prices below
$15/person $25/couple (Before 4/17/09)
$20/person $30/couple (Day of event)

"It's tax time. I know this because I'm staring at documents that make no sense to me, no matter how many beers I drink."
-- Dave Barry

It takes faith to believe, and it takes courage not to, and who is to say which is the deeper and more truthful. ~ Herbert Weisinger

Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight.
1 Peter 3:3-4 (Read all of 1 Peter 3)

Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.
Thanks,
Billy

Zen is like soap. First you wash with it, and then you wash off the soap. - Yamaoka Tesshu

Patient: Doctor, what does the X-ray of my head show?

Doctor: Absolutely nothing!

“A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.” ~ Groucho Marx

Galatians 5:14 For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.

Honeybee license plates are purchase in advance this year, so get your's reserved early.

Get tickets sold for the "Kiwanis Comedy Night" - April 17th.  It will be a nice night of entertainment.

A reminder that Janine will be catering our meals as of April 1, 2009.  We will still meet at the Cafe France at our normal time.

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.
The Taliban asked, ‘Do you have water?’
The Jewish man replied, ‘I have no water, but would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.’
The Taliban shouted, ‘Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first.’
‘OK,’ said the old Jewish man, ‘it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.’

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back…
‘Your brother won’t let me in without a tie’

*Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody. ~ Mark Twain
*Water is the most neglected nutrient in your diet but one of the most vital. ~Kelly Barton
*A man may well bring a horse to the water but he cannot make him drink. ~ John Heywood, English dramatist & epigrammist (1497 - 1580)
*When you drink the water, remember the spring.  ~ Chinese Proverb

Exodus 20:10 But the seventh day is the sabbath of the LORD thy God: in it thou shalt not do any work, thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates.

A man steals paintings from a museum and gets a few blocks away, runs out of gas and the cops catch him. When asked what happened he replied..."I didn’t have enough Monet to pay for Degas to make the Van Gogh!!!!

A young man who does not have what it takes to perform military service is not likely to have what it takes to make a living.
--John F. Kennedy--

Daniel 10:12 Then said he unto me, Fear not, Daniel: for from the first day that thou didst set thine heart to understand, and to chasten thyself before thy God, thy words were heard, and I am come for thy words.

An old lady walked into a newspaper office. She approached an employee and said that her husband had died and that she would like to have an obituary appear in the paper. The employee gave her a form and told her to write the obituary on it. She wrote, "Earl W. Worth died Saturday, December 2nd at his home. Services are at The Baptist Church at 3 P.M." The employee looked at the form and said, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but obituaries are limited to 7 words apiece. The woman took another form and wrote, "Earl died. '57 Chevy truck for sale."

Life shrinks or expands according to one's courage.

- Anais Nin

1 Corinthians 15:51 Behold, I shew you a mystery; We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed,

There will be a short board meeting after this meeting today.

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot.
The robot clicked to attention and asked "Sir, what will you have?"  The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."  The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked "sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered "oh, about 164."  The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity,' 'interstellar space travel' 'the latest medical break through' etc.  The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tactic. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have?  'A Martini please.'
Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?" This time the man answered "Oh about
100."  So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.  The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question "What is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out " Uh..... bout 50."  <>
<>The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked, " A-r-e Y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y-?

I visualize a time when we will be to robots what dogs are to humans, and I'm rooting for the machines. ~CLAUDE SHANNON
 

Jeremiah 29:13 And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.

The diner was furious when his steak arrived too rare. “
Waiter,” he barked, “didn’t you hear me say ‘well done’?
“I can’t thank you enough, sir,” replied the waiter.
“I hardly ever get a compliment.”

The significant problems that we face cannot be solved by the same level of thinking that created them. - Albert Einstein

Micah 7:7 Therefore I will look unto the LORD; I will wait for the God of my salvation: my God will hear me.

Don't be a TBA, get your program in today.  Programs@pariskiwanis.org!

Q. Where does a cat go when he loses his tail?
A. Retail store!

To be completely honest with oneself is the very best effort a human being can make. -Sigmund Freud

Hebrews 4:12 For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.

One day at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son is choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"   A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's neck and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.  "Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"
"No," replied the man, "I work for the IRS."

The happiest excitement in life is to be convinced that one is fighting for all one is worth on behalf of some clearly seen and deeply felt good.   - Ruth Benedict

Psalm 119:114 Thou art my hiding place and my shield: I hope in thy word.

What did the right eye say to the left eye?
- Just between you and me. Something smells.

I've been taking all these philosophy courses, and we talk about what's true, what's important, what's good. Well, how do you teach people to be good? What's the point of knowing good if you don't keep trying to become a good person?

Ecclesiastes 11:9 Rejoice, O young man, in thy youth; and let thy heart cheer thee in the days of thy youth, and walk in the ways of thine heart, and in the sight of thine eyes: but know thou, that for all these things God will bring thee into judgment.

Don't be a TBA and submit your programs today!  Programs@pariskiwanis.org.

Blonde skydiver

A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.
The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord -- nothing happens.
She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.
The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"

We may affirm absolutely that nothing great in the world has ever been accomplished without passion. - Georg Hegel

Psalm 68:19 Blessed be the Lord, who daily loadeth us with benefits, even the God of our salvation.

PLEASE notify programs@pariskiwanis.org of your upcoming program!  Happy New Years, Be safe!

Late one night a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into a path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs "give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "you can't do this – I am a United States congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."

Travelers, there is no path! Paths are made by walking. -Antonio Machado

Proverbs 8:32 Now therefore hearken unto me, O ye children: for blessed are they that keep my ways.

If you have any notes you want here, or even a happy/complain buck you want to "advertise" let me know at programs@pariskiwanis.org!

8:00 9:00 LORRAINE BAILEY/FRED KRECKMAN
9:00 10:00 DALE RASMUSSEN/JOHN CARRINGTON
10:00 11:00 AUGIE GRIFFIN/BILL BROWN
11:00 12:00 JOHN WRIGHT/HARRY HUGHES
12:00 1:00 GENE RIGDON/AUSTIN MASON
1:00 2:00 DIANNA BENNETT/JASMINE BENNETT
2:00 3:00 DENNIS THIEL/BRUCE YOUNG
3:00 4:00 RICHARD YATES/JOE BELL
4:00 5:00 KATIE JOHNSON